Post India

Oh ya, wasn't I in India some time ago? I know its been along time. But, since my return I have felt I have left this blog hanging. Closure is needed.

Its been about eight months since my return from the mother land. The entirely profound experience is now just a snapshot within a larger greater plan, that which is my current life on this planet. Yet, still lessons learned present themselves in a split thought or when the opportunity opens up and the lesson needs to be applied. And it remains a journey.

Just to get it straight, here are some hard bulleted lessons learned:

• Always trust your gut feeling.
• Do a whole lot of research before going to an ashram in India.
• Trust in the Divine.
• You are your own guru.
• You need nobody's approval but your own.
• There is no such thing as a waste of time.
• Nothing is neither positive or negative, it is what it is.
• But, its good to keep a positive attitude towards the unknown.
• Trust yourself, trust in the Divine.
• Move on, stop dwelling on old wounds, traumas, and things of the past. THAT is a waste of time.
• Oh ya, and for those of you reading this who are thinking about going to an ashram, do not go to Tureya Ashram, everything you have read on their multiple websites is complete bullshit.

Don't be fooled by the bullets. Something about bullets make it seem so straight forward, simple and easy to get.

Ha!

My time spent in India last winter seems so strange now. Sometimes when I look back I wonder, "was I really in India?" Of course I know I was there on that sub-continent, but given the depth of personal and spiritual work that I was going through, its like India was there to provide the soil. India is the ground in which spirituality can be nurtured and encouraged or perhaps thrust upon you like a tidal wave. It is everywhere around you. Immersing yourself in it is effortless. In a way, I think India is "holding" the rest of the world up spiritually, keeping us grounded on the path of spiritual transformation.

Realization Number 1008

A spiritual aspirant, at any level, should understand that there is no such thing as wasted time.

Integration

Integration. From the root word integral means "to make a whole". Therefore, integration is the act or process of making whole. In a social context, it means the process of fitting into a community.

I am still in the process of integrating; or making a whole. In other words, merging the life that I have created in Boise Idaho up to this point, with a snap-snot experience that took place in a completely foreign land, where impressionable sensory experiences and mental re-programming, of sorts, took place. If you can, imagine putting a balloon the size of India into your pocket. And you have to get this balloon in your pocket, because at this point your life depends on it. Simply deflating it won't do, because all of it's precious air (prana, shakti if you will) that was captured from this foreign place will dissipate and be quickly forgotten. Squeezing it in there is impossible; you can try but the balloon will distort and will bounce back reminding you how big it is. The only logical option is to make a tiny hole in the balloon, and slowly let it deflate as it slips into your pocket, fitting in. That way you can capture some of its essence as it wafts by your nostrils, perhaps dance with it as you walk.

Integration is also a choice. Coming back to my homeland could be a lot easier if I just let go of that big balloon as I boarded the airplane out of Mumbai. Saving me a lot energy formulating the answers to my own questions. But that would be going against the nature of my journey there, against the nature of the balloon that was ready to inflate and expand. So, my choice on this matter was made up well before I left for India.

Talking with a good friend the other day, he said, "when we travel like that, its an obligation to come back and integrate it into life." He's talking about traveling with a purpose, traveling in a self-reflective state of mind (opposed to the sight-seeing, resort-living, Mai Tai-drinking kind of travel). I tend to agree with him. Especially when there are people that you leave back home that are supporting your journey whether it be financially, physically, or energetically. There is an unspoken obligation to bring something back other than souvenirs. However, obligation should not be confused with expectations or the act of meeting someone else expectations. In this case, it is more like an honorable act of giving and sharing knowledge from experience with not only those that spontaneously cross your path, but those who are close to you and support your path.

Needless to say, the balloon is still deflating.
(I think the balloon tried to fit in my head first...a.k.a picked up a gnarly cold upon re-entry).

Where West Meets East

Being in Varkala, a very laid back westernized beachside town, begs the question, "what are we all searching for?" For some it is the Ultimate Truth, some it is relaxation and ease, some are wanderers enjoying an aimless search. I would say that most tourists here are "taking a break" from the challenges of India travel, enjoying less dress, sun and perhaps a beer or two. Some arrived years ago and never left. As for myself, I am taking advantage of this laid back atmosphere to assimilate, reflect and integrate what I have learned at the ashram by practicing on the beach at sunrise and sunset. It's been amazing. There are so many yogis here. In the morning when you view the beach from the cliffs above, you see many silouettes of bodies creating a posture of thier own. It's beautiful.

Sunsets at this beach are some of the best I've experienced. It's not simpy due to the sun disappearing into the sea and reflecting magnificent golden-orange colors on everything in its path. For, a sunset is only a sunset to the observer. Also the actions taking place during sunset enhance the whole experience. With that said, most everyone comes to the beach during sunset. Including yogis, sitar player, sax player, martial artist, hoopers, poi spinner, improv dancers, and many others. All are immersed in thier own creativity and freakiness. Starting to sound familiar, burners? Yes, as the sun disappears into the Arabian Sea bringing darkness here and light on the other side of the planet I half-way expect to hear cheering and horns honking. However, it is quite peaceful here, despite all the 20 to 30 something tourists.

Varkala is not India. So much so that I feel like a stranger when I eat with my hand. Although this place is easy, comfortable, beautiful and a great place to swap stories, I long for Indian culture. I have about a week more in the motherland and hope to make the best of it.

The Head Wobble

It seems there are certain things that are understood that you do and don't do, and its never questioned or talked about because its so naturally woven into everyday existence. I'm talking about simple things. Such as, the head wobble. I was told that it actually means yes. However, based on my observations this is not entirely true. Those of you who are unfamiliar, the head wobble is an intrinsic part of communication in Indian culture. The head is constantly moving about when speaking. I was also told by another, that Indians don't say "no", ever. So the head movement can very well mean "no", but not really.

The best example I can give is this: when I was in the taxi heading to Kodaikanal on my first day in India (fast, crazy driving) and I leaned forward from the back seat asking the driver, "Can you slow down?" He turned his wobbly head back towards me and there it was. No words were spoken, his neck did not move, his eyes did not move, shoulders did not move, just his head bobbing about like it was attached to a loose spring. He did slow down for a few kilometers. So I took this gesture to be a "yes" or an "okay, whatever".

This head wobble never gets old. It continues to intrique me, at the same time entertain me.

Perspective Is A Choice

My first train trip went surprisingly smooth. Purchased my ticket in Madurai and was thankful to be a foreigner. Since, there was a wait list and it's usually impossible to get a ticket the day of travel for overnight trains. I was pushed to the top of the list!

I waited at the train station for a few hours observing this colorful culture. Families plopped down in the middle of the main hall unwrapping banana leaves filled with some sort of rice thing to eat. Not bothered by anything, except the companionship of their friends and family surrounding them. This is one of the greatest virtues I have come to recognize in this culture. They are simply not bothered by things that us westerners would be enraged by.

I boarded the train, found my sleeper, which is purposely all ladies. I immediately began chatting with the ladies, who all seemed to be close in relation or friendship, but actually they are not. This type of friendliness and respect for each other (strangers or not) is natural. I told them a little about what I do and why I'm in India. They chuckle at most of the things I say, mostly because our cultures are so different and some of the things about each are unfathomable to the other, depending on how you look at it. For instance, they are confused that I'm married (I say I'm married to save myself that conversation and confusion) and traveling alone without my husband. Also, I tell them that I teach yoga and that I am in India to study more about yoga. She says, "Why so many westerner's interested in yoga?" A 7-hour train trip is not enough time to answer that question. I would need more time to explain America's cultural deficiencies. Not to be confused with diversity. To keep it positive for now, let me say that regardless of our seemingly lost and empty spirited culture, we have freedom of choice, and infinite opportunity which is our duty to act upon. We get to choose what is important to us, our culture does not define it. Ultimately, for many of us, we can choose our religion, our values, our schools, our husbands and wives, our friends, even our breakfast.

I guess there was more to talk about than just a train ride to Trivandrum.

Ishvara Pranidhana (Surrender to the Divine)

I left the ashram yesterday and headed back to Madurai. It was an emotional departure but necessary and overdue. It didn't take long until I was feeling good and happy about the situation. For the first 15 minutes or so, I sat in the taxi van gazing back at the mountains saying goodbye internally and releasing a few more tears to top off the buckets that I left there.

Once we (the driver and I) began our descent down the steep narrow grade I closed my eyes, smiled, and immediately felt so free. I remembered my first day, in a different taxi cab, climbing up these mountains, clutching my bag, eyes bulging with fear, and gripping the seat as I was tossed around by the turns. Now, in spite of all the circumstances and heavy emotions at the ashram, I left evolved in a some way. I felt so relaxed and I let my body flow in the back seat, as the driver dodged cows, top-heavy buses, potholes, and did I mention the sharp turns? We even stopped at the same tea place that the taxi driver stopped at before. I sat in the exact same chair. The first day, I sat there in fear and confusion and had no idea what was happening or what the taxi driver was trying to do. Now, this time I laughed at myself for thinking that way. All we were doing was taking a break and stopping for tea for Godsakes! See what the mind does.

Anyway, I arrived in Madurai yesterday afternoon. Most of the time, I have been hanging out at the Maneekshi Temple (a few weeks ago we took a "feild trip" here from the ashram). The temple covers about 2 hectares, is over 2,000 years old, and is where Shiva and Pavarti were married! One of the most sacred temples in India, that is, if you praise Shiva. Yesterday, I wandered around in the temple and then sat there until sunset. I woke up this morning and went straight there again. It can get crowded; Hindus are chanting and praising everywhere you look. Unshakable faith and trust in God (Shiva, divine consciousness) radiates throughout the temple walls. It is just a beautiful place to be.

Trust

To answer the question posted at the end of the last blog....

Trust begins when you're simply so tired of not trusting anymore. When you reach the threshold of mental conflict; when you start feeling motion sickness from waves of indecision; when force feeding yourself something that makes your stomach churn takes away every bit of energy to hold it down; and when your head hurts from banging it against the wall so many times. "Enough already!" Screams your real self. Once this trust sets in and starts working, it is ultimate freedom. Freedom from worry and expectations; and freedom to really experience life in its grandeur and beauty.

I have left the ashram earlier than I had planned on. For now, I will save you the lengthy reasons, realizations, and profound experiences that took place to bring me to this point (I need a few more days, possibly weeks, or months to make clear sense of it all, than I may do more posts). But generally speaking the entire experience so far is about trust, if you hadn't figured that out yet.

A quote by Krishnamurti fits nicely...

"Truth, being limitless. Unconditioned, unapproachable by any path whatsoever, cannot be organized; nor should any organization be formed to lead or to coerce people along any particular path. If an organization be created for this purpose, it becomes a crutch, a weakness, a bondage, and must cripple the individual, and prevent him from growing, from establishing his uniqueness, which lies in the discovery for himself of that absolute, unconditioned Truth."

I have discovered that, ultimately, the path to my True Self cannot be taught or shown to me, cannot be based on any other opinions, or teachings, books or hearsay. Yes, there are guides (thank you Shiva!) but my truth can only be found based on my own personal experience.

Peeling the Onion

Every day is completely different, mentally and emotionally speaking. The sun still rises and sets. The fog sits in the valleys in the morning and begins to lift. Julie, the little white dog at the ashram barks and tugs on my shawl every morning as I walk down into the ashram. The wind picks up in the afternoon, making the trees sing. We chant our mantras, we light the incense, prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner, chant again. Go to sleep, wake up, and again these external things keep marching to their rhythm. Meanwhile, my mind churns, settles, explodes, implodes, screams, laughs, sings and I think it is starting to get bored of itself.

One day, perhaps it was day number 10, I felt so much bliss. Following our asana and pranayama practice, and continuing into our puja I could feel this incredible shakti, life energy, and heightened awareness. After the puja we usually sit and drink our tea and chat. But I had to leave the room, I could not interact or function properly. I went to the porch and sat and looked out at the mountains, simply observing nature. A bird would fly and my eyes would follow it with this sense of deep connection. I could nearly feel the flapping of its wings. And the mountains did not seem like mountains anymore. It was like I was viewing this photograph and I could dive into it and become part of it. It was an incredible feeling. Looking back now, its like a sample of the true essence of life that we are all ultimately searching for. For, now the days have been difficult. Being here and seriously working on transformation is the greatest challenge I've ever experienced in my life. The amount of tears that are shed in this ashram could fill the Ganges River. The Swamis say that pain is purification and transformation begins with pain.

The question is...
How do we trust our experiences are real, and are for our benefit to evolve? How do we trust ourselves when we have been shaken, stripped down to the core, when there is nothing to hold onto?

Day to day at the ashram

We have a daily routine, but everyday is truly a new day, a new experience and mostly un-planned. There is a schedule posted in the house where most the students stay. But I think it is there to remind us that a schedule means nothing. One thing that remains consistent is tea and puja. Evering morning at 6:15 and every evening at 5:15, but those times also change. Puja is prayer or offering to god. We chant a few chants in the beginning and closing, "pour" smoke on our faces with a hand gesture, mark our third eye center or forehead with holy ash and offer a sweet first to the gods and than to us, meaning we eat it. After puja we will usually have asana class, led by Andrew, an American guy who has been here at the ashram for two years now) or we will go to "the land". "The land" is the original location of the ashram and a new building is being built. The property has fruit trees and many terraced gardens with vegetables. The terraces are amazing! Most of the veggies we eat are from the land. We go there for meditation or for swimming or both. There is lovely waterfall in which we stand under and a large pool to soak in. The mountains here are very steep and this stream flows over smooth weathered bedrock, along a narrow drainage. We lay on the rock to soak in the heat after being in the water. Swamiji will often lead individuals in water meditation depending on their level of experience. The student sits in the cold water meditating, overcoming the sensation of cold. I don't expect he will do this with me since my experience with meditation starts here. But we shall see.

Actually, I wonder what he is intending to do with me. We haven't had much interaction comparatively speaking. At first I found this unsettling, as I mentioned before, but I have realized with the help of Katherine (an Aussie girl who I instantly befriended) that taking initiative and asking questions is somewhat expected of students. So I asked him a few questions related to my first session with him, just for the sake of getting some conversation going with him. Yet, its been three days since and our interactions are minimal. But I know that whatever he is doing is intentional and a lesson for me somehow.

Other daily activities include a lecture from the Swamiji on whatever subject he feels is necessary for the students present. This week he has been lecturing on Yoga Psychology, which you muct know is nothing like western psychology. It is the study of the mind, without the logic and analysis that western psychology practices. Also since I am taking the training course, I receive teachings from the other teacher and resident family member of the ashram. She is so lovely. She is working on her Phd in Tantra Yoga and studying with the Swamiji. I also have to read three books while I am here and have to write a "report" on them. We'll see how I do since I am a slow reader and we don't have much time in the day.

We also take sight seeing tours, and are constantly singing, laughing, joking and playing with each other. It is truly a good place to be with so much love flowing in and around. I could go on an on.....

It's like getting thrown in a washing machine without water.

It has been 5 days now that I have been at the ashram. It wasn't until yesterday I internally committed to staying. Up until that point I was undecided and so unsettled that I hadn't slept most of the nights. The first day/night was so incredibily difficult. I spent my first night, New Years's Eve in Madurai, a fairly large city. I had a little bit of time to wander around and exchange some dollars for ruppees in the afternoon. And than slept for about twelve hours to make up for lost sleep sitting in airports.
I was so full of fear. I haven't experienced that much fear running through my blood since the death gripping boat trip off the coast of Sumatra. But this fear was different. Purely mental, whereas the boat experience was physical fear. Fear of the unknown, the mystery, of taxi drivers. Anyway, the next day I took the taxi to Kodaikanal and to the ashram. The road was incredibly steep, narrow and windy, with so much traffic. I arrived at the ashram in time for lunch. It was such a big shift from nervous fear to warm sweet welcoming smiles and peaceful mountain air. The ashram itself is very small and the accomadations are nice but minimal. There is no big great room or space that is especially sacred. All of the space is sacred. There is a second small building with four rooms for students. Actually, this place is a temporary location as a new ashram is being built further into the country lands, where they grow all their fruit and vegetables and where we currently go for meditation on the rocks near the stream. It is like living with family while receiving spiritual guidance, yoga philosophy and living peacefully.
As I said before, it wasn't until now that I have decided to stay for the duration of my time in India. Mostly because the first 3-5 days you get your whole system, mind and spirit included shaken up by Swamiji. First, I must say that the Swamiji is a mind reader along with intelligence from extensive study in University, study with gurus and many other different life experiences that has brought him here to create this ashram. Everything he does is intentional for the benefit of the individual he is helping spiritually. So with that said. He will immediately read a persons mind when they arrive at the ashram. So, first night. He looked at me and said, "Something has hapened to you before you arrived here. You can not hide it, it is in your face. You can't hide anything at the ashram." He said some other things too, but it was a shock to me. For one because I had no idea what he was talking about, which made me unsettled for days. My mind raced for days and I did not know what to think, do or feel. I tried to use all mine and others best advice for myself as I could, but it didn't matter. It just takes time. Now I see as other new students arrive, they get thier cage rattled too. And I have so much compassion for them. As aeople come and go at the ashram, the energy completely shifts. The Swamiji bases the content and strategy of his teachings on the students who are present and what they are ready for or are in need of. He has truly "crossed all boundaries". Meaning he has crossed the boundaries of physicality and consciousness.