Peeling the Onion

Every day is completely different, mentally and emotionally speaking. The sun still rises and sets. The fog sits in the valleys in the morning and begins to lift. Julie, the little white dog at the ashram barks and tugs on my shawl every morning as I walk down into the ashram. The wind picks up in the afternoon, making the trees sing. We chant our mantras, we light the incense, prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner, chant again. Go to sleep, wake up, and again these external things keep marching to their rhythm. Meanwhile, my mind churns, settles, explodes, implodes, screams, laughs, sings and I think it is starting to get bored of itself.

One day, perhaps it was day number 10, I felt so much bliss. Following our asana and pranayama practice, and continuing into our puja I could feel this incredible shakti, life energy, and heightened awareness. After the puja we usually sit and drink our tea and chat. But I had to leave the room, I could not interact or function properly. I went to the porch and sat and looked out at the mountains, simply observing nature. A bird would fly and my eyes would follow it with this sense of deep connection. I could nearly feel the flapping of its wings. And the mountains did not seem like mountains anymore. It was like I was viewing this photograph and I could dive into it and become part of it. It was an incredible feeling. Looking back now, its like a sample of the true essence of life that we are all ultimately searching for. For, now the days have been difficult. Being here and seriously working on transformation is the greatest challenge I've ever experienced in my life. The amount of tears that are shed in this ashram could fill the Ganges River. The Swamis say that pain is purification and transformation begins with pain.

The question is...
How do we trust our experiences are real, and are for our benefit to evolve? How do we trust ourselves when we have been shaken, stripped down to the core, when there is nothing to hold onto?